I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. It’s just so pretty.
Man I wish I had a cool acronym for my fics lol
But my most popular one literally looks like I’m key smashing
I Don’t Want You To Leave Will You Hold My Hand
Ian does just that. He avoids The Alibi, he avoids the Milkovich home, and he gives Mickey his space. He acts like a good patient to his doctors, takes his meds, lies about how well he’s adjusting to being back home. He hangs out with Debbie and Carl, when they’re home, and watches Liam so they don’t have to worry about paying for daycare. Mandy comes over a few times a week. She talks about her job, some new people she’s getting to know. She doesn’t mention Mickey. Ian’s not sure if he’s grateful or saddened. Maybe both. It also causes Ian to question if Mickey found someone else. Is that why Mandy was avoiding the subject? It’s not until about a month after Ian’s return home that he can’t take it anymore. It was Mandy’s second visit that week, the first being a brief stop by before work. They finish a conversation about Ian reenrolling in school and so Ian figures why the fuck not. Get one hard conversation out of the way why not another. Ian nods his head to Mandy’s well thought out reasons as to why he should return to high school.
“Just think about it, okay?” She ends the argument. Don’t be a dumbass like my brother. She would have ended it had Ian and Mickey still been together. Ian felt the unspoken words anyway.
There’s a small somewhat awkward silence between the two of them for a few minutes before Ian clears his throat.
Mandy looks at Ian curiously.
“How is-“, Ian takes a deep breath, “How is he?”
Mandy’s face immediately saddens, knowing Ian too well to even question who he was talking about.
“Was wondering how long it’d take you till you asked me that again,” She crosses and uncrosses her legs. Ian looks down. “You should get reward or something for holding out so long,” she tries to joke.
Ian looks up at her, waiting.
Mandy sighs. “Mickey is…Mickey. Drinks a lot, smokes a lot, yells a lot. When he’s home he’s in his room. Comes out for meals. Spends the rest of his time at The Alibi.”
Ian nods. “He…with anyone else?”
“I just…I mean…”
“No he’s not,” Mandy leans back on the couch. “Not that he’d tell me if he was.”
“How do you know then?” Ian asks staring forward.
“I could tell.”
“He fuck anyone else?” Ian asks bluntly, turning to Mandy.
“I doubt it,” She almost laughs then thinks for a moment. “There was this one time he was out really late into the morning. Came home drunk off his ass. If he fucked someone he sure as hell didn’t enjoy it.”
Ian bites his lip and looks down, feeling ashamed for being relieved. Ian wants to ask more questions but is interrupted when Kevin and Fiona come rushing through the door.
“Take it!” Fiona yells after Kevin.
“It’s not mine, Fiona.”
“Come on, Kev. We don’t need your goddamn charity.”
“I told you. It’s not mine,” Kevin says as he goes over to the fridge to grab a beer. Ian and Mandy follow, hanging around the kitchen doorframe to listen in.
“Then how do you explain how all of Ian’s shit is getting paid for from money that looks to be coming from you? Is that not your signature on the check?”
Ian comes into the kitchen letting his and Mandy’s presence be known. Fiona and Kevin continue their argument too wrapped up in it to pay attention Mandy and Ian.
“Yes it’s mine but the money’s not.”
“Then whose is it?’
Kevin looks into his beer, “I can’t say.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“It’s an uh anonymous donation.”
“Someone at the Alibi.”
Fiona rubs her eyes, frustrated. “Kev who gave you this money?”
“I promised him I wouldn’t tell.”
Fiona sighs “I can’t be owing people money here.”
“I don’t think that’s why he’s giving it.”
“You said someone at the Alibi.” Ian says. Fiona looks over at him. Ian walks to them. “Can I see that?” He asks pointing to the check in Fiona’s hand.
Fiona apprehensively hands him the check. Ian looks it over. “Just take the money, Fi,” he says handing the check back to her.
Fiona looks at Ian who nods at Kevin, trying to read him. Kevin swallows his beer harshly.
Fiona sighs and accepts the check. “Well tell whoever it is…Thank you.”
Kevin nods. “Will do.” He smiles and checks his watch. “Shit got to get to work.” He hands the beer to Fiona. “Tell V I have to work a double today.” He says behind him as he exits the Gallagher house.
It takes Ian a minute before he decided to follow. Call it a hunch-a really strong hunch- but one Ian needs some sort of confirmation on.
Ian closes the front door relieved to find Kevin still there.
“It’s Mickey isn’t it?”
Kevin looks up from lighting his cigarette, looking at Ian quizzically.
“He’s been giving you the money?” Ian clarifies, though Kevin didn’t need it anyway.
“I can’t say.” Kevin says but his uneasy look when Ian mentioned Mickey gave it away.
“Why?” Ian lets out. He doesn’t mean to.
Kevin looks away and sighs. Figuring he didn’t technically tell Ian he shakes his head and continues. “I don’t know, man. Anytime I try to mention you he walks away or stares at me and tells me to fuck off.”
Ian smiles at both the confirmation and the familiar crude way Mickey spoke. His smile soon disappears though.
Kevin looks at him sadly. “You tried talking to him?”
“Yeah. Few times.”
Kevin nods. “I’m sure he’ll come around.”
“Yeah. I’m not so sure about that.”
“Really messed him up huh?”
“Yeah… Yeah you could say that.” Ian rubs the back of his head.
“Sorry I…uh he may’ve let some stuff spill.”
“I should get to The Alibi.”
“Oh yeah. Right sorry.”
“No problem,” Kevin turns to go. “Oh hey,” He turns back around. “You should stop by sometime. I’ll get you a drink on the house.”
Ian smiles politely. “Thanks. Yeah maybe I will.”
“Good.” Kevin turns around again to head to the bar. “See you around.”
It’s later that night (Kevin had started his second shift) and Ian can’t get it off his mind. Mickey anonymously paying for his psych bills after what he did? Determination starts to brew in Ian again. He’ll talk to Mickey. Fuck he’ll talk to Mickey tonight. There has to be a reason he was doing this. It means he still cares, means he doesn’t hate him enough to give up on him…maybe.
Ian decides to head off to The Alibi and if Mickey isn’t there according to Mandy that must mean he’s at his house and Ian will just head over there. He’ll sneak in if he has to.
It’s 1:30 am when Ian storms through The Alibi.
“Hey, Ian.” Kevin greets him. “Come for that drink?”
“He here?” Ian asks, rushing.
“Uh yeah. Upstairs.”
Ian walks away from the stool in front of Kevin. “but I-“
Ian walks quickly to the back before Kevin can finish his sentence.
“Ian wait you can’t- Ah shit…”
“You want me to get him?” A big man at the bar asks.
“Nah it’s alright. Let him go.”
There are small yells from the girls as Ian makes his way upstairs unwelcomed.
“You’re not allowed up here. We come get you,” One of the girls yells at him.
“I’m not here for that,” he says pushing past her to more yelling and screaming coming from the women.
“Jesus Christ. The fuck is all that noise for?” Mickey comes out yelling from a separate room. Ian’s pulse quickens at hearing Mickey’s voice. Fuck he never realized how much he missed that voice. He wants to smile but when Mickey gets closer and his eyes gloss over Ian, looking him up and down, sneering, Ian realizes smiling isn’t the best choice in the situation.
“What the fuck?” Mickey mutters almost to himself.
“He come up. He come up without paying!” The same girl from earlier walks over to Mickey and yells in his face.
“Christ we need some fucking security guys or some shit.”
“You supposed to be security!” She yells some more.
“Yes thanks for that, Miss Fucking Obvious.” Mickey glances at her. Then back at Ian whose eyes move to the floor.
“What we do? Get Kev?” She asks.
“Get out.” Mickey says quickly.
Ian looks up thinking Mickey means him.
“What?” the girl asks.
“Go on break or whatever.”
“All of you. Get a drink from downstairs or whatever I don’t give a shit.” The women look at each other and shrug as they head downstairs.
Mickey crosses his arms and stares as Ian as the girls leave.
“The fuck you want?” He says to Ian harshly.
Ian looks up and swallows. “I uh… I needed to see you.”
Mickey scoffs and turns away, walking back to the room he came from. Ian follows.
“Thought I told you to stay away?”
“Yeah…maybe.” There’s uneasy quiet between them. Ian breaks it again. “I just…wanted to talk.”
“So talk.” Mickey says back still to Ian.
“Could you at least look at me?” Ian begs
Mickey turns around and finally looks at him.
There is a long silence. Ian tries to find the words he wants to say. Mickey is waiting, staring Ian down with hate in his eyes.
“What the fuck could you possibly say that you haven’t already tried to say to make what you did better?”
“I know it was you.” Ian decides to just get to the point of him coming here right away. Not calculating correctly how painful this was.
“What was?” Mickey questions.
“The money we’ve been getting. It was you.”
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“Kev told me.” Ian lets out.
Mickey’s jaw tightens. “Are you fucking kidding me? Shoulda known he couldn’t keep his goddamn mouth shut.”
“I mean I guessed he just sort of confirmed.”
“Fucking asshole.” Mickey mutters.
Ian breathes in. “Look I know none of what I did was right and I’ll apologize to you until my throat bleed and it still wouldn’t be enough-“
“Probably not.” Mickey says bluntly.
Mickey small confession hurts Ian but he continues. “But I know you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing if you didn’t still-“ Ian can’t get the words out.
Mickey’s cold stare falters briefly before turning dark again.
“What?” Mickey asks. “Still give a shit about you?” He laughs darkly. “Look,” Mickey says putting a cigarette into his mouth and lighting it, his hand shaking slightly not noticeable to Ian. “I’m only paying for that shit cause I’m probably the reason you’re fucked up.”
It’s a lie and a dumb excuse for one. Mickey turns away from Ian again careful to keep his unemotional demeanor, something he couldn’t do if Ian could see him fucking crying.
“What are you saying?” Ian manages to let out. Mickey closes his eyes. God Ian’s desperation in his voice was killing Mickey. “That you don’t…”
Mickey turns back to Ian. He doesn’t know why. He was doing so well at pretending to not care. Ian stare at Mickey and finally takes him in fully for the first time since he saw him after the incident. His exhausted eyes from lack of sleep and finding solace in a bottle of alcohol or several, red rimmed and puffy. Water subtly forming in them, only for Mickey to blink them back and bite his lip. “It’s not true though is it?” Ian realizes.
Mickey pinches the bridge of his nose and looks away. “This is bullshit.” He says quietly.
“This is bullshit.” Mickey says louder.
“You were always busting my balls about not showing my feelings and shit and wanting this and wanting that. So what do I do? I fight against every instinct I had telling me not to for you. I-,” Mickey stops suddenly. His face hardens as he swallows. He turns away again.
“You what?” Ian asks walking closer to him.
“Forget it” Mickey says walking away.
Ian follows. “Mickey, you what?”
“I said forget it!” Mickey yells still not turned to Ian. “Talk to me. Please. Shit just yell at me. Scream at me. Call me a fucking asshole or whatever just… just please.”
Mickey picks up random objects near him and fiddles with them as Ian goes on trying to avoid his gaze cause he just might…. He just might confess everything and call Ian an asshole and a dick and scream at him and yell but after the screaming and yelling has died down and everything gets out in the open he’ll let Ian back in. And Mickey just isn’t sure if he can do that. If he could trust again.
Ian moves around to Mickey to get the dark haired man to look at him.
“I don’t want you to push me away.” Ian begs.
“Yeah well we can’t always get what we want.” Mickey says, not necessarily angry, not necessarily anything really. There’s silence between them again for a while.
“I need you to go.” Mickey says as he throws down what was in his hand and turns to Ian who is now nodding his head sadly. Defeated.
“So I guess this is goodbye then?” Ian says quietly.
Mickey shrugs indifferently. “Guess so.”
“I uh…” Ian snivels. “I just…I love you.” He lets out tears rolling out of his eyes. “And I’m sorry.”
Mickey’s eyes dart down to the ground and anywhere but Ian’s direction. He’d break if he looked at him. “I just wanted you to know that.” Ian says turning away from Mickey. Ian quickly wipes at his face and clears his throat. “I’ll go.”
Mickey nods, squeezing his mouth tight in an attempt to keep whatever tears or emotions wanted to come out inside him. Mickey hears the sound of Ian’s feet hitting the steps slowly as he exits the room.
“Don’t.” Mickey says to the now empty space.
Don’t say sorry.
Don’t love me.
I DI D NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS I CANT HANDLE THE PAIN OK
130 pounds of bad behavior
This, all of this, is what coming out looks like. And this is what Mickey Milkovich’s relevance truly hinges on: not only an acknowledgment of the suffering and self-denial that is still a reality in the lives of many LGBTQ people; but the validation that coming out is not irrelevant or passé or an all-or-nothing game. No matter how small and unwhole these acts of disclosure may seem, they are still brave.
ian&mickey || BANG
So remember when we were driving
driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ‘round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone
Emma Kenney’s new snapchats
"If you wanna go after somebody, you make sure that they got black eyes. Gotta know who the real monsters are in this world.”
i wanna fall in the love with the s t a r s in your eyes